Sorry not sorry

First and foremost, happy June! This means you have 28 more days of dealing with little monsters and then you get to wear your skin exposing clothing without feeling self conscious. 

Back to the rant of the day: 

I have noticed that in my own life, I am constantly apologizing for being me. Whether it is because I want to spend some time to myself or whether I have plans every day of the week. I am constantly bothering someone with my character and personality and while I think I will always feel slightly guilty about that, I have decided to take a stand. 

I am a walking contradiction and I’m not sorry. Some days I refuse to talk to people and sit in a dark room quietly and some days, I go to concerts and stay out all night. Some days I am a teacher and see the potential in everyone I meet, some days I am a person who has baises and just dgaf. Some days I worry about being an adult and figuring out my entire life, and some days I feel young and free and just want to go dance. 

It happens. Each day is a new day and each new day I change my mind. I have the authority to change my own mind about what I want and what I don’t want. And I am going to stop apologizing for it. I am barely 23 and I am still figuring things out. And even if I wasn’t, I still owe no one an apology. 

I am who I am and I refuse to change that for anyone at any time in my life. I fall for people deeply and sometimes it fades, and other times it lasts a lifetime. I can’t help it. It’s who I am. While it may not seem like it, I have an artist’s soul. I feel things so deeply and drastically and sometimes it ends just as drastically. 

I’m not sorry for changing my mind. I’m not sorry for not having the energy to deal with people’s problems when I have plenty of my own. I’m not sorry for making time for people who are an important part of my life and not making time for people who are just passing by. I’m not sorry for choosing myself before I choose anyone else. I’m not sorry for having unwavering hope that one day all the things I do for people will be appreciated. I’m not sorry for taking things personal because to me it is personal. I’m not sorry for worrying or for having anxiety. I’m not sorry and I don’t need to explain it to anyone. It’s who I am and it’s just it. 


So after just sending yet another apology to an unsuspecting human, I find myself wanting to kick my own butt. I’m not going to be that person who has to apologize for being who I am. Crazy and contradicting as I am. 

So to the people who have managed to stick around over the years, I salute you for dealing with my craziness and for the people who have not, I would love to say I don’t lose sleep over it, but I do. And I’m not sorry because that’s just who I am. 

My grandma is always telling me to be a stronger person. And I love her. But she doesn’t realize that our definitions of strong are different. I am a strong person. I am strong despite everything. Yes I get upset way too easily and yes I take things personally when it shouldn’t matter. But I wake up everyday and remain the person that I am despite that. I walk down the street with my head held high knowing that it took a lot for me to get to where i am and I will not apologize for any of it. 

So in conclusion, I’m not sorry. I am me and that’s the way I will be. 

-Z 

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