Monthly Archives: June 2016

Goodbyes are never easy

Today is my last day of work, as most teachers (in public school). 

In the end we tend to think back and get nostalgic about our time. This school year has definitely had its ups and downs. I am definitely a changed person because of this job, and I’m grateful for all the lessons, experiences and support that I received while working here.

It’s a bittersweet feeling knowing that I won’t see these people every day. Knowing that I won’t be coming back next year, makes everything seem so final. I’m not sure if I impacted these people, but they most definitely impacted my life. 

Thank you for the good times, the bad times and everything in between. 

I am a better person for it. 

On to the next adventure… From third grade to three year olds. (I’ll let you know how that goes) 

Anyway, congratulations to you for making it to today, for surviving till today. It’s over. It’s finished. Don’t forget to have a drink 😉 Enjoy the summer and don’t forget to plan for next year 😜

-Z 
Update: I totally cried at the end of today, and was so sad about leaving all the amazing people I have grown to admire. I also hugged so many people! So very grateful for everything this year has taught me. 

Advertisements

Desperate but not hopeless

Desperate: having a great need or desire for something. 

That is what desperate means. 

So why does this word have a negative connotation? Why is it a bad thing to want something greatly? Why is it bad to have a desire for something? 

Do I have the desire to find someone I can truly connect with? Do I have the need to find someone who understands me? Do I have the desire to find someone I am comfortable with? I guess that makes me desperate. 

I guess that makes me a laughable situation. That it makes me have hope for something that will never happen. Right? Because that’s the connotation of those words. 

Having hope is never a bad thing. Knowing what you desire is not a bad thing. Knowing what you need is not a bad thing. In fact, it is not often you find people who have that, about relationships, careers of even the direction of their life.


 So you know what? I am desperate. I know what I want, what I need, what I desire and what I hope for. And that doesn’t make me pathetic. That makes me motivated to seek what I deserve rather than settle for anything. 

Watch what you say. Words have a way of digging deeper than any physical wound. They also tend to last longer.

This is just the start. 

As most of you know by now… I am an aspirating teacher. Some days I am a teacher, and some days I am an aspiring teacher. 

This came in the mail yesterday: 

I am a teacher. This paper proves that. 

Now I can freak out about the next thing…like getting professional certification. Which ONLY includes getting a masters and working as a doe teacher for “x” amount of years. 😓

The first stop on my very long journey to finding myself and building a life. 

-Z 

Rules are not just for kids

In our classroom we are reading Rules written by Cynthia Lord as a read aloud. 


I read it on my own just because I wanted to see how it would end and I have to say it’s an amazing book that kinda reminds me of the book Wonder, that I’ve mentioned before. 

It is written from the point of view of a young girl who has an autistic brother. The main character, Catherine, makes up rules for her brother to follow throughout the book and some of them are as silly as “no toys in the fish tank” while others are deeper in meaning like ” when someone is upset it’s not a good time to bring up your own problems”. 


I find myself in awe of some of the things that this author has written. While it is written for kids in middle school, I find myself relating and being deeply affected by some of the things she wrote. Here’s some quotes that have stayed with me: 

“Mom says I have to deal with what is and not to get my hopes up, but how else can hopes go but up?”

“Some people think they know who you are, when really they don’t.” 

“Looking closer can make something beautiful.”

“It hurts how life goes on, unknowing.”

“…choosing words is harder than I thought.” 

That last quote, is very relevant to me as of late. Sometimes it’s just hard to find the words to accurately describe how you feel and what you want to say. And I was an English major so take it from me, it’s a thing. 

Well anyway, check out this awesome book when you get a chance, it’s a quick read but it’s definitely worth reading. 

And with that, one last quote: 


Happy Tuesday! 

-Z 

Don’t change their actions, change your reaction 

I’m always a big advocate of not changing yourself for other people. Of not losing yourself in another person. But what’s the other side of that? 

If you don’t change for them, why do we expect them to change for us? We get so caught up in “knowing what’s best” but who are we to say what’s best? 

The definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. 

So do something different if you want to see something different. 

Be yourself and allow others to be themselves. You can’t change them so stop wasting your energy trying. Just accept them for who they are and try to stay peaceful throughout the situation. 


Happy Monday and may your week be as peaceful as I imagine it could be. 

-Z 

Living in the in between…BALANCE

Balance is an important part of life. 

I think I have always struggled with balance. It is not something that has come naturally for me. I am either so busy I don’t have time to sleep or all I do is stay in bed and sleep. There hasn’t really been an in between. 

I have this image in my head of what my life should be like. And I’m trying to figure out if it’s idealistic or realistic.

I’m trying to figure out how to balance seeing friends and family. How to balance being an “adult” and being a 22 year old. 

My friend asked me to go to the bar last night and I said I couldn’t because I have work. While this may have been the responsible thing to do, I woke up this morning to pictures of people enjoying their night and I was totally jealous. 

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m in the teacher world and I feel obligated to be the adult and make smart choices or whether that’s just a part of growing up. 

So how do I balance being young and unattached with being the adult children look up to? 

My work is important to me and I don’t want to half -ass it. But my social life is an important part too, right? 

There’s that guilt that keeps popping up no matter how strong I want to be. 

Forever a walking contradiction 

-Z 

Sorry not sorry

First and foremost, happy June! This means you have 28 more days of dealing with little monsters and then you get to wear your skin exposing clothing without feeling self conscious. 

Back to the rant of the day: 

I have noticed that in my own life, I am constantly apologizing for being me. Whether it is because I want to spend some time to myself or whether I have plans every day of the week. I am constantly bothering someone with my character and personality and while I think I will always feel slightly guilty about that, I have decided to take a stand. 

I am a walking contradiction and I’m not sorry. Some days I refuse to talk to people and sit in a dark room quietly and some days, I go to concerts and stay out all night. Some days I am a teacher and see the potential in everyone I meet, some days I am a person who has baises and just dgaf. Some days I worry about being an adult and figuring out my entire life, and some days I feel young and free and just want to go dance. 

It happens. Each day is a new day and each new day I change my mind. I have the authority to change my own mind about what I want and what I don’t want. And I am going to stop apologizing for it. I am barely 23 and I am still figuring things out. And even if I wasn’t, I still owe no one an apology. 

I am who I am and I refuse to change that for anyone at any time in my life. I fall for people deeply and sometimes it fades, and other times it lasts a lifetime. I can’t help it. It’s who I am. While it may not seem like it, I have an artist’s soul. I feel things so deeply and drastically and sometimes it ends just as drastically. 

I’m not sorry for changing my mind. I’m not sorry for not having the energy to deal with people’s problems when I have plenty of my own. I’m not sorry for making time for people who are an important part of my life and not making time for people who are just passing by. I’m not sorry for choosing myself before I choose anyone else. I’m not sorry for having unwavering hope that one day all the things I do for people will be appreciated. I’m not sorry for taking things personal because to me it is personal. I’m not sorry for worrying or for having anxiety. I’m not sorry and I don’t need to explain it to anyone. It’s who I am and it’s just it. 


So after just sending yet another apology to an unsuspecting human, I find myself wanting to kick my own butt. I’m not going to be that person who has to apologize for being who I am. Crazy and contradicting as I am. 

So to the people who have managed to stick around over the years, I salute you for dealing with my craziness and for the people who have not, I would love to say I don’t lose sleep over it, but I do. And I’m not sorry because that’s just who I am. 

My grandma is always telling me to be a stronger person. And I love her. But she doesn’t realize that our definitions of strong are different. I am a strong person. I am strong despite everything. Yes I get upset way too easily and yes I take things personally when it shouldn’t matter. But I wake up everyday and remain the person that I am despite that. I walk down the street with my head held high knowing that it took a lot for me to get to where i am and I will not apologize for any of it. 

So in conclusion, I’m not sorry. I am me and that’s the way I will be. 

-Z